Suggestions For a Struggling Baseball Franchise
by Liam Eagle
I live in Toronto, which is a pretty nice place to live, all things considered. It has its advantages, and it's flaws. As a fan of professional sports there's not much to complain about. The Maple Leafs have become perennial contenders, one of the better teams in the NHL, and the Raptors, despite some disappointment, had their gripping NBA-Cinderella-story thing this season. The real problem with Toronto is the Blue Jays. In fact, the city's Major League Baseball team is arguably, at least in my estimation, the worst thing about Toronto.
The back-to-back 1992 and 1993 World Series Champions have fallen on hard times over the past decade or so, stumbling lately to the point where the team seems less like a point of pride than a sucking, festering boil on the otherwise fairly attractive face of Toronto. And I'm not talking about on-field success. Baseball teams lose games. It happens, man. I know that. What I'm talking about is the pathetic inability of the Blue Jays franchise to convince the people they play on behalf of to come and watch a fucking baseball game.
In week seven of this season, the Jays set a franchise record low with an announced attendance of 12,000, and an actual attendance of what looked a lot more like 4,000. Shit, man. I could get 4,000 people to come watch me and my friends play baseball. And while it hasn't been that bad every game, it hasn't been much better.
It has become plainly obvious that something different needs to be done by the Blue Jays if they want to play in front of people. And let's be honest, "playing baseball" isn't doing the trick. As a long-time fan of the team, and humiliated resident of the city, I feel it's almost my duty to throw some of my creative energy into the mix. I've begun composing a letter to the Toronto Blue Jays management, including a list of suggestions for ways in which they could make the Jays' games more fun for the fans.
I've included some of my suggestions below. Of course, I'm not recommending anything ridiculous here. And I'm certainly not going to make any suggestions that would interfere with the game being played. Rather, these are peripheral changes designed to address the fact that the most basic function of a baseball game is entertainment.
Instead of the seventh inning stretch - the seventh inning bat fight.
Instead of the world's fastest grounds crew - the world's only all-bear grounds crew.
Free dinosaur rides.
Cheaper beer.
Put a kid, a monkey or some wacky ex-cons on the team.
Every player approaches the plate to the super smash hit "Get This Party Started" by pop/rock sensation Pink.
Pre-game show: "Who Wants To Manage the Toronto Blue Jays?"
Instead of a photograph of the batter on the big screen, a naked photograph of the batter's wife.
Abandon ongoing strategy of "rebuilding" in favor of "winning at baseball sometimes."
Update the lame, dated mascot "BJ Bird" by having him perform outrageous self-destructive stunts a la Johnny Knoxville.
Obviously this is an incomplete list. I'm still composing my letter, and I'm still gathering suggestions to present to the team. Every little bit helps. And that means you can help too. If you have any suggestions for ways in which the Blue Jays might be able to solve their attendance problems, send them to the secret Blue-Jays-attendance-increasing and team-lobbying email address I've set up at highjackthisfags@hotmail.com.
