I Have a Few Suggestions About the Way You Intend to Spend Your Final Moments on Earth

by Liam Eagle

My Dear Friend,

Let me first reaffirm how much I've enjoyed the time we've spent together on this earth, and the joy you've brought into my life and the lives of so many others.

Let me also say how truly heartbroken I was to hear that your time is drawing to a close, and how deeply I have valued the careful consideration with which you have always met life. I see, too, that you have brought the same careful consideration to the planning of your pre-death itinerary.

I do, however, have some suggestions on the way you intend to spend your final moments here on earth.

Please don't think of my suggestions as criticisms, but rather as tools designed to help you in squeezing as much of that precious juice as possible from the withering orange that is your life.

You appear, for instance, to have avoided altogether the subject of religion. Now, please understand that I'm not advising any particular theological course. But I suspect you may have avoided the subject for the wrong reasons, most likely suspecting that it was too late to be saved. But don't be so sure. Death is like Cold War Russia. There's no way of knowing what's on the other side of that big Iron Curtain in the sky. I mean, if one of the world's dozens of versions of God actually does exist, he certainly hasn't given us any unmistakeable signals as to which one he is. It's basically a crapshoot. So, if you're game, most Western religions seem to offer some sort of wholesale late-life conversion and absolution program. Personally, I'm content to lay all my chips on the "there's no hell" square and let it ride. It beats avoiding the matter altogether.

I notice, also, that you've assigned some time to be intimate with your wife one last time. May I say, I find that very touching.

May I also say that, after living such a long, fulfilling life, you more than likely have some frustrated sexual demons buried somewhere in your psyche, whether you're aware of them or not. Why not take just a few minutes and seriously consider what terrible things you might want to accomplish that require the presence of a naked woman. Or a naked man, or men.

I might also suggest that your loving wife may not be the appropriate vessel for the fulfillment of your darkest desires. For this, I would recommend the far more appropriate and skilled services of a prostitute. In your current situation, infidelity is hardly an issue. After all, the really unfortunate effects of extra-marital activity are the health and trust issues it forces into a married relationship. All that will be effectively avoided by your imminent death.

About writing a poem. Let's be honest. It's going to suck. Why bother with that, really?

And plenty of people with much more time than you are already planting trees. Need I remind you that you're on a tight schedule, here?

You seem to have avoided any mention of hardcore substance abuse when composing your list. Of course, I applaud you for living a long, healthy life without giving into temptation. But it would it not be a shame to pass from this world without experiencing the remarkable visceral thrill that must come with using crack or heroin? I mean, look how crazy crackheads go for the stuff. And what's the worst that could happen, really?

Speaking of a world without consequences, did you ever want to murder anybody? Because now would be a good time. Even somebody your age, perhaps for some long-forgotten slight. They're probably sitting somewhere chuckling about how close they are to escaping the mortal world without ever feeling the choking grasp of their enemies.

As a matter of fact, you might want to keep your eyes open while you run through this list of yours. You never know if some guy whose girlfriend you stole in highschool is sneaking up behind you with a pickaxe.

You've also plotted some time to spend with your family, imparting to them the wisdom you've accrued in your many years. Well, let me be straight with you. There's no wisdom you can offer that hasn't already been said better by a movie, be it Citizen Kane or Forrest Gump. So gather up the loved ones, pop in a DVD and slip out the side door, because you've got one more thing to attend to.

Now go play with a puppy. It sounds silly, sure. But nothing else captures life so purely and perfectly. You've spent years living up to other people's demands and expectations. Now take a few minutes to fall down in the grass and play with a puppy that has no expectations and no politics, just energy, floppy ears and a furry belly.

Also, if there are any kinds of cakes or pies you like, you might want to grab a couple of those.