A Non-Football-Fan Watches The Superbowl

by Justin Anderson

I'm not a sports fan. I mean, I can watch sports - and usually enjoy them a bit - if I'm at a friends house or a bar and a game's on. I know how sports are played. I understand the rules. I just don't really like them.

Now in the interests of the Somethingspace method of mining my own psyche for comic fodder, I decided to force myself to watch the entire Superbowl by myself. I chose to go it alone so that I was forced to concentrate on the game; no talking to friends or paying attention to anything other than the game. See, I've never in my life watched an entire football game. Not ever. I've seen parts, I've seen most . . . but never opening kickoff to conclusion. And the last time I made an effort to watch the Superbowl was when I was in university. I fell asleep and when I woke up the Broncos had won.

One thing before I continue: I'd like to make it clear that I know how football is played. I'm not gonna be saying shit like, "gee, why did that guy do that with the ball?" and "what's going on?" and "what's a touchdown?" I get it. I even played a couple of games with a group of friends in junior high and high school.

So, I got home from an outing at about 4:30pm (game starts at 6), and the fun began:

4:55 - I sit down to watch the pregame. It sucks, though the hosts have tiny, almost invisible mics on their headsets. The Superbowl is in the future!

5:00 - Hey, ads for TV specials about the Superbowl ads. Our culture is doomed.

5:02 - Dude, the chick from Alias is wicked hot.

Bored with the pregame, at this point I fuck off and read for an hour. I'm here for football, not . . . whatever this time-killing shit is.

6:00 - Game's about to start. I'm fully decked out: chips, Doritos, pretzels, several beers in the fridge, and a phone for pizza. I demand the full Superbowl experience, junk food I don't normally eat and all.

6:03 - There's a joke to be made about John Madden in here somewhere, but I'm not sure where exactly. Maybe his head is abnormally large? I don't know.

6:05 - Jesus, this Terminator 3 thing with Schwarzenegger introducing the Superbowl . . . this is so awful. This makes me want to see the movie less. And it's not even really about the movie. And he just said "Are you ready for some football?" too. I'm not so sure if I am anymore, Arnold. Not so sure.

6:10 - According to the scoreboard, the Raiders have a commitment to excellence. Presumably the Bucs can't say the same?

6:12 - The game hasn't started yet, and I'm bored. I hide the remote from myself so that I'm not tempted to channel surf.

6:13 - Celine Dion? The Dixie Chicks? I thought football was ostensibly watched by men?

6:26 - Game finally starts. Like, for real this time. Buccaneers v. Raiders War on the High Seas!

6:30 - This is gonna be a long night . . . How long ago did Dennis Miller get axed? I could really use him now.

6:33 - Raiders score the first point. It's a field goal, and pretty anticlimactic.

6:39 - Pace of the game's picked up. I'm kind of enjoying it now. Holy shit, there's a dude named Napoleon Harris . . . that's the best name ever.

6:41 - Shouting "Go Superbowl!" when the ball's snapped makes this a lot more interesting than it should be.

6:46 - New trailer for the new Matrix movies blows the shit out of my mind.

7:00 - It occurs to me that football would be infinitely more interesting if the players had jetpacks. Actually, that applies to all sports. And life in general. Fuck, I wish I had a jetpack.

7:11 - Trailer for The Hulk. I am more excited than I should be. In Canada we don't get all of the cool new commercials everyone talks about. We get a few, but not all. In related news, the new Canadian commercial Enis is starring in airs several times during the game. It's pretty good, actually. He plays a disembodied face on a fireplace.

7:14 - I order pizza!

7:34 - I miss a big play because the pizza guy's too stupid to get that after I press 9, the lobby door is unlocked.

7:36 - I miss the first touchdown of the game answering the door. Pizza man's fucking with my shit tonight. But I give him a decent tip anyway.

7:38 - I hate the fucking Osbourne kids so much. I'm sick of this goddamn commercial after seeing it once. Why is a commercial that juxtaposes the Osbournes with the Osmonds the big ad everyone was talking about before the game? Didn't every magazine and newspaper on the fucking planet make that exact same joke two years ago?

7:43 - I am totally digging this game despite myself. Liam's a big Bucs fan, so I've found myself rooting for them too.

7:57 - Another touchdown. And I'm eating pizza. And beer! Excellent.

8:01 - They cut to the booth . . . why are Madden and Al Michaels standing?

8:02 - Halftime. Can't wait for the halftime show.

8:05 - Man, Daredevil looks like total ass. I've eaten too much pizza. And this beer's working me over.

8:09 - Halftime report. Hey guys, guess what? I was watching the fucking game too.

8:12 - Shania Twain's lip-synching very poorly. And she's dressed like a hooker from space. I'm sure she was paid millions for this, and it cost a shitload of money for all those fireworks and shit. Meanwhile, in Nairobi, Mtumbwa prays for water.

8:18 - No Doubt's actually playing their instruments and Gwen Stefani's actually singing. After Shania, these guys look like the fucking Rolling Stones out there.

8:20 - Okay. Sting: sucks. The Police: Rad. Sting doing "Message In A Bottle" at the Superbowl: Not sure yet. No Doubt backing him up: pretty cool. The scoreboard flashing "SOS" during "Message In A Bottle": pretty lame.

8:23 - Well, that halftime show wasn't nearly as awful as I'd hoped it would be.

8:28 - Seriously. Am I supposed to believe John Madden and Al Michaels are standing up for the whole game?

8:33 - The game's resumed. I am bloated and tired.

8:55 - The Bucs are destroying the Raiders. I am bloated and tired.

9:18 - Seriously guys: sit the fuck down.

9:47 - Jerry Rice scores a touchdown. Good for him.

9:55 - How old are you, John Madden? Too old to stand up for an entire football game, that's for sure.

10:11 - Wow, they're celebrating like crazy, and there's still a minute and a half left to play.

10:12 - Bucs just scored another touchdown. That's just embarrassing.

10:16 - Game's officially over. I wish I'd got some Rolaids or something. Goddammit.

10:24 - Okay, that Nissan ad with Kurt Vonnegut in it is freaking the shit out of me.

10:25 - Hey, Bon Jovi's playing to a bunch of cheerleaders. Good for them.

10:29 - That they're presenting the Superbowl trophy to the owner of the team is very telling. Go old white billionaire!

Well, that was my night of Superbowl glory. The game was surprisingly good. By that I mean enjoyable to watch. I have no frame of reference for whether or not it was a good game compared to Superbowls past. But I didn't fall asleep, and that's gotta count for something.