Perfectly Reasonable Suggestions for Seemingly Stupid Tattoos

by Liam Eagle

TATTOO: Your Own Name

EXPLANATION: This one's not even that bad to begin with. But say you're illiterate, for a totally acceptable and maybe even heart-wrenching reason, like your parents were murdered by an evil man, and you've had to raise your many brothers and sisters in poverty, perhaps. And one day salvation (from poverty) comes in the form of a contest that you can enter and win money (salvation). The only problem is, as I mentioned before, you're illiterate. Yeah. Good thing you've got your name (and possibly some other vital information) tattooed on your arm.

TATTOO: Your Own Signature

EXPLANATION: Oh look! You won the contest. Everything is great now. I wonder how they'll send you the winnings? Will they Fed-Ex you a big salvation-sack full of money-prize? No man, it's a check. And it's addressed to you, which means you have to sign it before you can lay your hands on that money. But you don't even have a signature becuase you're fucking illiterate (for a totally acceptable reason). Good thing you got your little brother to make one for you and had it tattooed on your other arm. Cha-ching!

TATTOO: A Marijuana Leaf

EXPLANATION: Now that your many brothers and sisters are financially taken care of and living large in a sweet lakefront condo, you can quit your grueling, heart-wrenching job and devote more of your time to seeking vengeance against the evil man that killed your parents. But you were only five years old when they were murdered. How are you going to remember the face of the killer? Simple. His face happened to look exactly like a marijuana leaf, which is why you have it tattooed on your shoulder; so you'll never forget. Motherfucker better watch out.

TATTOO: Japanese Characters for "Strength" or "Wisdom" or some shit

EXPLANATION: So you found Marijuana-face. And it turns out that not only is he evil and a murderer, but he's also a wizard. How the hell are you supposed to kill this invincible wizard while he uses fucking spells to turn you into a zombie? Simple, you use his one weakness, which happens to be the Japanese characters for "strength" or "wisdom," or whatever. Good thing you picked that one off the tattoo parlour wall and had it emblazoned across your stomach. All you have to do is lift your shirt, and Marijuana-face will melt like Michael Jackson in the sunlight.

TATTOO: A Picture of Your Own Face

EXPLANATION: Now that you've fulfilled your lifelong quest for vengeance, you can return triumphant and bring the happy news to your many brothers and sistsers. But wait! Did I say "trying" to turn you into a zombie? I meant "already did" turn you into a zombie. Yeah. Not quite the "you" they're used to. You could probably explain the situation away, given enough stiff gestures and sickening gurgles, but let's be realistic. Your family is going to take one look at your yellow eyes and rotting flesh, and break out the shotgun. Hopefully it won't come to this, however, as long as you can roll up your sleeve and show them the tatoo of your own non-zombie face.