Three Interviews I'd Like to See:
Three Six-Line Scenes
by Justin Anderson
ONE
(Popular Musician)
REPORTER: Popular Musician, you’ve said that throughout your musical career your music has gotten more and more personal. Your last album, for example, you say was your most personal yet. Is your new record another step in that direction?
POPULAR MUSICIAN: Not really, no. I felt that I’d pretty much said all the personal things I had to say before. For my new album I was trying to write about things that aren’t really all that important to me and things that don’t really have much to do with what’s going on inside, y’know?
REPORTER: Like what?
POPULAR MUSICIAN: I’ve got a song on there about baseball, another about my cats. I wrote one called Janet Jackson, ‘cause I think she’s pretty fuckin’ hot, right? There’s a track on there about how much I liked Tim Burton’s Planet Of The Apes remake. I wrote that one, like, right after I saw that movie.
REPORTER: That’s great. What are your expectations with this new album?
POPULAR MUSICIAN: Sell a lot of copies. My other albums sold pretty good, and I figure if all those people buy my new one, and maybe a few more, I’ll be on Easy Street. If it doesn’t sell that good, I might get dropped from my fat-ass record contract, which, let’s face it, would fucking suck. I mean, how am I going to continue my flashy lifestyle then?
TWO
(Star Athelete)
REPORTER: Well, you and your boys on The Local Team are now up three games to none in the first round of the playoffs, and you scored the game winning point. How does it feel?
STAR ATHELETE: Pretty damn good, man. Not to totally sell short the efforts of my less talented teammates, but I mean, if I hadn’t scored that goal, we wouldn’t have won the game. So I feel like the best guy in this locker room right now.
REPORTER: Excellent. How are you guys approaching this series?
STAR ATHELETE: Ever since about halfway through Game One, I’ve had a pretty good feeling about this whole series. About the whole playoffs, actually. I think, after winning Game One, we’ve got this whole thing pretty well locked down. Well, I’ve got this whole thing locked down, at least. And I got a pretty good feeling about next year’s series too.
REPORTER: Wow. You're predicting a championship victory while still in the first round?
STAR ATHELETE: Damn fuckin’ right. And to all the fans in The City I Play In, all I gotta say is lock up your daughters after the victory parade, ‘cause my wife’s frigid and I like ‘em young!
THREE
(Big Movie Star)
REPORTER: So, Big Movie Star, you and your co-star, Hot Actress, had lots of on-screen chemistry. Is that something that comes naturally if two actors hit it off?
BIG MOVIE STAR: I guess so, yeah. I mean, it probably didn’t hurt that we were fucking pretty much any time the cameras weren’t rolling. Um, could you maybe not tell my wife that last part . . .?
REPORTER: No problem. We’ll edit that right out.
BIG MOVIE STAR: It’s just . . . I was very off the wall on fucking coke for most of the shoot, so there’s some parts I can’t really remember. You know, I don’t have that divider between your nostrils anymore? What’s it called . . . a deviated sternum? Septum? I can’t remember. But man, she did this thing with my cock once where she grabbed it and –
REPORTER: Wow . . . well, this is a family show, so, um, let’s move on. You’re one of the most popular actors in movies right now. What’s it like having millions of fans looking up to you? Is there a lot of pressure there?
BIG MOVIE STAR: Not really. If some sad sack of shit wants to be like me, I mean, he can keep trying, but he’s probably not gonna get anywhere near me, in terms of looks or popularity. Keep going to the gym and shit, but fuck, look at me, you know what I’m saying? Can’t touch me, man. And chicks? Sure, a lot of them want a piece of me, but they’re probably not gonna get to fuck me. Maybe the hot one, like, the nice hot ones, but a lot of those girls are really not very attractive.
