Totally Learnin': True Tales of Campus Life
Lesson 1: Orientation

by Matthew Morlock

My friend from Western wrote me this week to tell me all about her wonderful week. She loves not being able to sleep because the headboard in the room next to hers is constantly banging against her wall. She loves the higher, more precise level of English she's learned through osmosis. I wrote her back. "That's great. So, what did you learn?" She wrote back. "It's really quite easy. Always begin each sentence with 'like' and end each sentence with 'whatever.' It makes your point like totally worth hearing, but like, whatever."

Most of all though, she loves her course "The Sea." Her university course. Her university credit course "The Sea."

I sat down for lunch the other day - err breakfast at a mid-day hour (meat and potatoes). The guy next to me was talking about how his room is like the "common room" for his floor and how this is such a good thing. First of all, it's not a good thing. When you wake up with face planted in brown and yellow chunks of puke, cafeteria induced puke, meat and potatoes puke, you're not going to think it's so cool. When you roll over and see your floor covered with little bits of food, you're not going to think it's so cool. When you look up too see more puke on your ceiling, the ceiling that you said was clean, the ceiling that you're going to have to pay to clean, you're not gong to think it's so cool. And then his buddy says to him "Bud, the only reason everybody hangs out in your room is 'cuz you've got like 150 chocolate bars." Bud, you're not so cool.

I like football. I read the articles. I watch the games. I even read the injury reports. That's just how much I like football. Usually I just skim, but this week this caught my eye.

Tom Nalen C Knee
Keith Burns LB Hand
Lennie Friedman OG Thumb
Ephraim Salaam OT Ankle
Brian Griese QB Ankle (Tripped over dog)

This past week was elections for floor heads. Okay, so you want to be a floor head. Fine. That's kind of cool. I guess you get to test your popularity - maybe even build up that ego a bit - or maybe you're the quiet kid that's having trouble getting to know people just because you don't speak the language. But why do people campaign for being floor head? Alright, let me rephrase that. Why do people campaign without the use of popular media icons from the Golden 80's? I mean, how successful are you going to be if you don't have a poster with Mr. T saying "I pity the fool who don't vote for..." Honestly, you're just kidding yourself. If you're going to campaign, do it well. This girl on my floor put up like 20 posters saying "I never think of the future" and then some garbage about how life flies by so quickly. Girl who "doesn't think of the future," I'm not going to vote for you. I want a floor rep who will plan toga parties, someone who'll find a way to get the discipline facilitator ripped, someone to represent my interests.

I'd like to leave my readers with a few words. "When you're in academia nothing's for free, but when you're a rap pro superstar, you do it for Gs." Think about it. Meditate on it. It may just change your life - it changed Ludacris's.