Mass-Transit Contingency Planning

by Liam Eagle

In today's tumultuous society, every situation is potentially threatening. And nowhere is this more apparent than on mass transportation. It's almost impossible to climb aboard a city bus or a passenger plane these days without seriously considering what you'd do if the shit went down with some lonely-looking teenager, wild-eyed crack-head or self-important fat lady. You know you’re thinking about it. And you know everybody else around you is thinking about it too.

Anticipating situations like these is fine. If anything, it’s going to help if something ever does come up. And that is why I have personally taken this sort of anticipation to the next level, developing an elaborate plan for the event that my commercial flight is forced to land on a deserted island, or my bus is suddenly transported to some Spiderman-cartoon-style psychedelic limbo dimension. You know it’s going to happen to some vehicle, some time, and if I happen to be on that vehicle, you can trust that I’ll be prepared.

Part 1: Having a plan

Assuming that nobody else on the bus has a plan for dealing with sudden dimensional travel, I expect a substantial leg-up based simply on the fact that I have a plan, and am prepared to start executing that plan the minute I look out the window and see purple tie-dye patterns instead of sky. While my fellow passengers are gathering dropped personal effects or shielding their ears against the shrieking of some bat-creatures, I’ll be laying the foundations for our new society.

Part 2: Picking a political play

Probably the most important determinant to my happiness, in the new microcosm-society we establish, will be the firm and committed decision I make on the role I intend to play. Now, I believe this decision should be based, to a certain degree, on the raw materials I have available. And, while I’m not a trained medical professional or a wicked hot chick, I am a pretty sizeable dude; upon boarding a bus, for instance, I generally find myself confident in my ability to physically overpower all but one or two of the other passengers, individually. That said, I see the Power Grab as my best bet for a political policy.

Part 3: Making my move

The Power Grab is a risky play. It is quick, violent and merciless. And the payoff is a good deal better than that of the Diplomatic Co-operative Effort. The plan requires me to make a mental note, the moment I board the vehicle, of those passengers I perceive as the biggest threats to me physically, so they can be eliminated by a blow from a rock, or sharp piece of wreckage, while everybody is still recovering from the crash. After jacking the frat-boys and blue-collar types, it shouldn’t be difficult to install myself as leader of the crash people. And, now that I think of it, there is probably some usefully-threatening symbolism in the gesture of fashioning a makeshift crown from the same piece of jagged metal I used to execute my "political opponents." I should think about doing that.

Part 4: Accomodation

The way I see it, I get to live in the burned-out husk of the bus. I am, after all, the king.

Part 5: Assigning responsibilities

Once I’ve established myself as leader of the "tribe," it will most likely fall on me to assemble a cabinet of trusted advisors, as well as assign duties to the common people. This is another situation that relies on raw materials. Obviously, duties like doctor, well-digger, well-warden and spokesmodel will have to be assigned to the most qualified individual, which, now that I think of it, will probably turn out to be time consuming. Fortunately, less essential duties, such as postman or clown, can probably be distributed through some sort of lottery system.

Part 6: Romance

Separate from any political machinations, most likely, will be my basic human desire for companionship and dirty sex and whatnot. Even control over a rag-tag society of castaways will eventually grow tired without the love, and doting sexual attentions, of a good woman. The preparation side of this part of the plan isn’t as demanding as some of the others. I mean, I’ll hardly have to write "make careful note of which woman I’m most attracted to" in my day planner. Then again, I’d probably stand a better chance of scoring chicks if I secretly murdered everybody more attractive or charming than myself. Better add them to that original list of murder-victims.

Epilogue: On preparedness

I’m sure it might seem silly to invest so much energy in preparing for an event that will, in all likelihood, never occur. Like a lifetime spent playing the lottery. But the cost is less than you think; and the payoff greater. Imagine you could enter the lottery every week without ever spending a dime. Of course you would do it. Now imagine instead of "without ever spending a dime," it was "without ever getting on a bus with too many tough guys or not enough attractive women." Then you’d be talking about me, a man who may one day turn out to be a bizarre kind of pseudo-royalty.