What I Did on my Somethingspace Vacation

by Justin Anderson

Loyal Somethingspace readers probably noticed the conspicuous absence of my contributions to the site last week. The reason for that was that turning out magic week after week left me a little burned out. So I took a week off to relax and decompress. And while I didn’t do much for the Web site, I managed to keep pretty busy.

The first thing I did was complete the construction of Black Thunder, the helicopter I’d been building in my parents’ shed for the last seven years. (The reason it took so long is that I built it using parts I got from the junkyard and stole out of cars. Also, I have absolutely no training in, or understanding of, helicopter mechanics.) I’d grabbed the door from a smashed up Range Rover I came across late one night. The cops hadn’t arrived yet, which made making off with it pretty easy, and blood comes out really well with a bit of lemon juice.

Anyway, with the smashed-up Range Rover door in place, Black Thunder was ready to hit the skies. I gunned her engines--did I mention that I also haven’t the faintest idea of how to fly a helicopter?--but for some reason the old bird didn’t seem to want to oblige. I took a look under the hood, so to speak, and found that the fuel level was pretty low.

Before I could pop into the house and grab some more apple juice, a bunch of hot chicks approached me and told me that they were aliens from another dimension. It seemed like a pretty weird story, I know, but something about them, most likely their hotness, kept me from dismissing them. They said that they were stranded on Earth, and in order to get back to their home dimension I had to have hot sex with all three of them. Again, their reasoning seemed a little bit dubious, something about their inter-dimensional travel ship being powered by hot sex. But who am I to stand in the way of a group of hot, horny chicks from getting the sex they need to return to their home dimension?

After I finished pleasing the three hot alien chicks in literally--literally--thousands of ways, the president called my cell phone and said I was needed to go have a secret mission and kill some guys. I was all, like, "Right on, bro!" and poured some apple juice into Black Thunder and flew off to see the president and save the world.

Unfortunately, the rest of that mission was classified as "Top Secret," so I can’t go into any more details. But suffice it to say that I killed some dudes, and that the secret mission was pretty cool. Probably cooler than that xXx flick, but I don’t know. I haven’t even seen that yet.