Songs That Contain Instructions on How to Behave While Listening to the Song
mixed by Liam Eagle
PERFECT FOR:
Resolving a certain fatal flaw of yours
INTRODUCTION:
Let's face it, dude. You can't dance. I mean, I know you may think you can dance, but trust me, your awkward, jerky shuffling is the furthest thing from dancing that I can imagine. And yes, I am aware of your opinion that dancing is about being free and expressing yourself, for yourself, and therefore what other people think is irrelevant. That opinion is bullshit. Try explaining that to your friends when they're scrambling to ad-lib a reason, any reason, why they can't accompany you to the nightclub. Admit it, man. You have a problem. Fortunately, for you and all the other uncoordinated, unimaginative dancers out there, there is a fairly simple solution. Understanding your plight, a number of musicians have included explicit instructions in their songs on how you ought to behave while that song is playing. I mean, maybe you can get some intensive dance lessons like in that movie with Patrick Swayze sometime, but this is a quick fix for that fucking ridiculous arm-flapping that's preventing all your friends from getting laid.
TRACK LIST:
Do the Locomotion - Kylie Minogue
The Hokey Pokey - Traditional
The Hippy Hippy Shake - Swinging Blue Jeans
Throw Your Set in the Air - Cypress Hill
The Time Warp - The Rocky Horror Picture Show
The Twist - Chubby Checker
Wiggle It - Two in a Room
Throw Ya Gunz - Onyx
Shake That Body - Technotronic
Jump Around - House of Pain
Put Your Hands Up - The Wholiganz
Walk Like an Egyptian - The Bangles
PREPARATION INSTRUCTIONS:
I know exactly what you're thinking, and yes, I am aware of what a fucking godawful collection of songs this is. Please let me reiterate something. This is an emergency measure, not a pleasure cruise. Christ. When was the last time you heard a really kick-ass song that just happened to contain the phrase "now, hop to the right"? Never? No shit. Think of it like training for a fight. You might think skipping rope sucks, but so does getting punched in the teeth.
LISTENING INSTRUCTIONS:
This mix tape is, as I said, a specific response to a specific problem. Obviously you can't bring it with you to a bar or a nightclub, but you can bring it to a party. So start with that. If you feel like you might want to dance, secretly stick it in the tape deck, and start walking like an Egyptian, or whatever. Yeah, you'll look like an idiot, but believe me, it's a different, better kind of idiot. And once you've memorized a few of the instructions from the songs, bring those moves with you to the bars. There, you'll look crazy. And chicks dig crazy.
